Today i’ve decided that i will be talking about new relationships. Seems like the best place to start given my Master and i are doing just that. However, the new relationship is followed by a history between us. So it’s “new-ish”. Stuff has happened, the power switch is going to take time to semi solidify, and the best way to ease into the new relationship is to treat it as such, even though it’s the same couple (easier said than done i know).
i will be talking about creeds, contracts, BDSM checklists, collars (day and play), how i go about starting a new or new-ish relationship (we could also say new dynamic) and as usual i will find something related to ramble about.
As you can perhaps see, my Dominant has instructed me to do all this paperwork, your Dominant could do this to you too, or you could do it together, and sometimes the Dominant likes to have control over everything (make sure you have editing privileges regardless!)
i normally try my best to highlight, that the things i do are what work for me, these are my beliefs and such.. what may be right for me may not be right for you.
When starting a semi-permanent “switch” in the relationship I’ve found that a good place to start is you’re own head. Start asking yourself questions, is this what you really want? are you fulfilled with your previous role and ready to try something different? What will your responsibilities be? What are you not okay with? Are you willing, capable and prepared to take on these responsibilities? i would even print out three (yes, three, trust me you’ll need it) BDSM checklists and each of you fill out one (leave the third one blank).
i feel this is a great checklist! intensive, but appropriately so to avoid miscommunications:
And in case you were wondering my Master and i will be completing all of these steps, everything is new. Yes of course we know what the other likes but treating the relationship fully as it’s new really works for the brain to accept it, and you may even find some of these likes/dislikes have changed, perhaps even a new curiosity has sprouted!
All these questions, and more, are for both partners, remember you haven’t agreed to anything yet, whether you want to assume the role of a submissive or Dominant doesn’t matter at this point, you have control of your own expectations and everything that will or will not happen.
Now it’s time to talk, openly, no whips, no punishments, no play, just talk. Talk to your partner about everything, i cannot express enough the importance of EVERYTHING! Don’t be shy, even i have a hard time with this one sometimes, i’ll occasionally have a fantasy or request that just seems to be not okay with most people, or there may be something i know my Master loves endlessly that i need to put a soft or even hard line on.
A quick rant: i’m mostly addressing the submissive’s here, don’t be a pushover esspecially when you are going over the initial expectations of a new relationship! Compromise is always good but sometimes a hard line is necessary. Know what you are okay with and not okay with and say something. It’s nonsense to do something you know you never want to ever do (or god forbid a trigger) and then get mad, have a mental break down or become passive aggressive with your Dominant over it. If you don’t say something in the beginning how the hell is He/She supposed to know?! (On a side note… if you have a mental break down or triggers, please seek a therapist, it’s best for both of you. i know because i’m in therapy!).
Moving on.. i have found writing down a list of expectations is great for both parties, it’s esspecially helpful in writing a contract, which we will go over in a minute.
This is the part where you guys hand the other your BDSM checklist and read the other’s responses and really really think about it. There may be a “no way in hell” on something that you marked “everyday please!” and vice verse. Now reevaluate the things you didn’t want to do before? has your opinion changed or remained the same? Now it’s time to work as a couple together to fill out the third checklist, this could take some time and lots of compromise on both ends, be patient because this is so very important. it’s exactly what you need to do, you are both getting on the same page. Literally and metaphorically.
i really want to stress the importance of getting on the same page. It is so very important, not just in BDSM but in any relationship. Would you get married to someone not knowing if they wanted kids or not? i sure hope not! and the same applies to sex and BDSM, you shouldn’t commit without knowing what you’re getting into and what the other person expects of the relationship. What if one day your Dominant pulls out while fucking you and pees on your face? That certainly gets my juices flowing but it could be a serious buzz kill if you don’t like it! Hence the importance of getting on the same page, if He/She tells you you can think on it. Hell, you may even come to a compromise, “sure you can do that honey, but only in the shower” or “just not my face”. (you’ll be happier as a couple if you’re honest and compromise, i promise).
Once you’ve established you’re couple’s BDSM checklist you can get into the hard part. No the checklists were not the hard part. i’ve been writing the new contract for a little over a month now and it’s still not ready to be signed, simply because i need it to be completely clear and concise, and i suggest you do the same.
You can find basic contracts online, but i needed something more specific for my Master and i, so the template I found has been severely mangled and is completely unrecognizable to the original (i’ll post it when i’ve finished it).
A contract should involve the expectations of both Dominant and submissive and an acknowledgment from the opposite party to uphold expectations that have been mutually agreed upon. It’s not getting into the details, that’s what you’re couples checklist is for (guidelines you should both know in and out). The contract is the submissive offering His/Her self, time, mind, body and soul to the Dominant and by signing He is accepting responsibility of the submissive’s well being and care. It should also highlight the Dominant’s rules and protocols (things that should be done always with no exception and if broken the submissive will be punished accordingly.) you should look up the definition of Protocols and keep that in mind while making them.
And don’t forget the safeword, my Master has done something with our safeword protocol that i’ve absolutely fallen in love with. He established a soft safeword and a hard safeword. i love this because as a switch and a ftm (full time mom) some days i’m in the mood for less than what my Master is. The soft safeword gives me the opportunity to let my Master know i’m uncomfortable but He has the ability to asses the situation before completely ruining the mood with the hard safeword. He has the option to listen or not and that is his descretion. This works for us because we know eachother so well, i will caution against trying this if you are a BDSM novice and/or with a fairly new partner. my Husband and i have many years under our belts of BDSM and know eachothers’ limits, it’s important to know your partner and yourself very well before instituting a second safeword like ours.
Creeds.. so these are fairly simple, when signing a contract i always like to have a print out of these as a refresher. As far as I know there are standard Dominant and submissive creeds, i’m not sure about Master and slave creeds, I have traits of a slave but it’s not really up my ally so i don’t actively search that sort of thing out. i am owned, yes. “my” body, mind, heart, soul, abilities and talents are my Master’s unfettered. But, i offered that gift to Him, He did not take it from me, therefore i do not consider myself a “slave”. There’s heated arguments about all that too, not going there today promise!
This is a standard submissive’s creed:
This is a standard Dominant’s creed:
The thing about these contracts vs creeds is that contracts should be used in every BDSM relationship but there is a lot of controversy about the meaning to each individual. Some believe it’s like a marriage, if not more.. i agree to an extent. However, i feel that these things (contract) can be altered to be for every relationship stage. It doesn’t have to be as dramatically written for someone you are just playing with, monogamously or otherwise. It does however state the boundaries of the relationship and clearly what will happen in play which is VERY important to any relationship not just BDSM. A creed is a vow yes, but in my opinion, it’s like a vow to yourself for submissives that want to take themselves the next level of commitment to who you are. If you want to say this creed and believe it, that’s for you more than anyone (in my opinion).
So.. collars. ugh… what a topic. i think that too many submissive’s want to be collared right away and it’s ridiculous i once read a post from a Dominant to His submissive about the topic of collaring. It was brutal, i will sugar coat it. don’t ask to be collared. asking for a collar is like asking your boyfriend to propose to you. you wouldn’t do that would you ?! If you have to ask for it how can you ever know you earned it? How can you ever know your Master wanted to?
You can have the damn collar when your Dominant believes you’ve earned it. It’s not to show off you guys are in a relationship, it’s to show that you have finally became His, you were always His, but what about anticipating His needs and beliefs? your mind almost has to melt to His. When He collars you it means you’ve learned what ever he has taught you, see my post “i’m going to talk about being a good submissive/slave/lil”. In my opinion, when you live and breath your Master, you’re ready for a collar.
That all being said. Some people associate the contract with collaring, and if that’s the belief you have than cool, i just feel that every relationship should have a contract for safety reasons and to keep you from unnecessary emotional damage or unwanted physical harm. Remember Safe, Sane and Consensual.
Some people do a ceremony with contracts, some people just sign them. Some people have a close friend or respected BDSM senior witness the signing and/or creeds said aloud. You can really do whatever you like.
Hope this was somewhat helpful, if you have any questions or concerns, just leave a message, i’m more than happy to chat, hear other peoples opinions and write a post about my point of view on something you are curious about.