Journal 2 – When things don’t go “according to plan”

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It’s very difficult for me to relax when things go haywonky.. i have a hard time winding my mental status down and my sexual drive seems to go into overdrive. it’s as if i’m compelled to force the scene to continue.

i know why now. When things don’t go the way we planned, like last night. i feel as though i’ve been a bad submissive, as if i have in someway failed as my Master’s property, and in so doing failed to satisfy my Lover. And my brain has to fix it.

i now know that He feels similar, (which i felt this was impossible for Him to feel because i have the utmost confidence in Him and His capabilities at all times, even these)

Sometimes, i forget that my Master is only human. Sometimes, i set my expectations so high that i forget when these things happen, as trivial as it may seem on the outside, that He needs “aftercare”. He needs to know, not only through words, that i don’t care if these things happen, that i love, respect, want and need Him regardless of what happens in our sex/play life.

Men and Dominant’s have so much pressure on them, from not only women and submissives, but also the porn industry and society. They are supposed to have these huge cocks and stamina of the finest pure bred racing horse. This can give Them ghost inadequacies and insecurities. (to clarify why I use the term “ghost” they are false insecurities, they shouldn’t exist but the person believes they do. “ghost” inadequacies exist because of unrealistic expectations coming from outside the relationship).

Truth is, these outside expectations of what a Dominant or man should be are like I said before unrealistic and more often than not They end up burning out. This is when i read the “10 things a dominant needs” it’s become a mantra for my daily life. We have the power and control (yes, we do) as submissives to help our Dominant to see and start believing what we believe and know. He’s perfect just the way He is, He is normal, these things happen, and by the way i’m tired too!

Last night we were trying a new twist on some extreme oral, involving some kitten play. The mood just wasn’t there, we were both tired, Him more than i. When things started to go awry, i tried to fix the situation, usually a shower helps us get back on track. Not the case however.

i could tell there was something on His mind, i looked up at Him from the shower floor with my “what’s wrong” face and He said, “I’m sorry love, it’s just not working tonight, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to do”.

At that moment, i realized and knew exactly what needed to be done, for the first time since this new relationship of ours began, i smiled and said, “it’s okay Sir, we can try another time, my expectations were set too high for how tired we were Sir”

So, we cuddled. He came down off His chair, to my nest i set up every night at His feet, and we watched an episode of Warehouse 13 and went to bed. In summation, He needed aftercare because He felt inadequate, so i gave Him what He needed therefore satisfying my need to satisfy Him.

It was the second time my brain relaxed when He had been unsatisfied.

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