Journal 4 – More than just a nympho

 

i crave Him, i need Him. i love to please Him. And He has to cum at all costs. i will do absolutely anything to make this happen. “No holes barred”. Exciting you say? It’s more of a burden to me, not because my desire to make Him cum is burdensome, it’s actually when He doesn’t cum or doesn’t want to… that’s when my desire becomes a burden.

When a normal person hears the words, “honey, let’s take a break” or “i’m stressed” they normally let it be and enjoy a, perhaps, well needed break.

It’s not that i’m a nympho and need sex, i know i definitely love sex more than the average person… i know i’m not a nympho. Because sex simply isn’t my focus. i could care less if we had sex, would i love to have sex? of fucking course! do i need it every night? Not at all. Something i love more than sex is making my Master cum. It’s an essential need actually.

When i am denied this desire i experience a plethora of the most overwhelming and maddening emotions. i start off feeling frustrated and confused. eventually it becomes extreme sadness that (if my needs aren’t met) will over time develope into depression.

i would rather be whiped all day. i would rather go a year without sex or personal pleasure. The absolute worst punishment my Master could give me is Him not cumming.

It’s as though i have failed as a lover, as a submissive. i question my abilities, and my Master’s enjoyment of those abilities.

i question myself, my beauty, am i desirable and most importantly does my Master still want me? Sometimes i get so deep into my head that i question my Master, is He just getting old? Is He finding the pleasure He once sought from me elsewhere? He used to cum every night, what’s different now?

But in the end I know it’s something inside me. Driving me to need this. Maybe something happened to me in a previous relationship. Maybe this desire is left over from not being able to cum before my Master, because when i couldn’t cum i would focus on my sexual partner, i gave up on achieving my release and put all my energy into something i knew i could accomplish.

Regardless, i know it’s something i need to talk to my therapist about. Even knowing what i need to do about this, i’m still a fucking disaster this morning.

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