Are you wondering when your Dominant is going to get you that collar?

Maybe it’s been weeks, maybe months, some of us it has been years of waiting for a confounded collar.

i’ve been sitting quietly reading for that past bit, the move is finally settled down, but i haven’t been in the mods to write lately. i finally got frustrated enough by some things I was reading that i’ve gotten the umph to rebuttle.

i see a lot, and when i say a lot i really feel it’s 95-99% of submissives are either bitching about not being collared, dreaming about being collared or asking when they will be collared.

i’m going to answer this by asking you submissives wondering when, is this commitment you made to submit about the collar or achieving unfettered submission? 

If you’re constantly worried about a collar your never gonna get one. The goal of submission is not the collar. If you want that collar so badly work on submitting yourself fully which means you should be giving up the “when” of your collaring to your dominant.

It’s about trust. And you ninnies are basically saying you trust this person enough for them to discipline you (some of what i’ve read has been brutal) but you don’t trust your Dominant to give you a piece of leather at the right time?

Anyways, the house is wonderful. So much light, i’ve been working on the dungeon, it’s a decent size. It’s all painted and cleaned up but there are little things i need to finish up, hooks and finding joists. 

Master has been very busy with work, and when He isn’t working He is gardening or working on the house. It’s lonely for me right now, but i know His efforts are all for our son and i.



Love is not maximum emotion… Love is maximum commitment” – Sinclair B. Ferguson


i hate it. i fucking despise the very thought of it. Since Master and i have been married we haven’t stayed in one place for more than a lease. 

“Yay praise the new year” and fa-la-la is not what i think of every time a new year rolls around. The days move quicker, it’s a blur now. For godsakes we just celebrated our sons birthday, is it really time to think about what we will do for his second?! 

They told me this would happen. “Time flies” my father would say as I told him how long Christmas would be from now (it was December 1st). i look back now and a tear of longing and joy brims. i miss being a child. There were no confusions, everything was black and white. There were no deadlines and a beautiful day would last a lifetime, just laying in the grass watching the clouds float by.

When I look forward into our future the same tear is justified. i long for our son to experience child hood the way i did, (minus my parents weird beliefs of course) but i’m also sad to see him grow up and become a man and leave.

How did this happen? When did this happen? It feels like a cruel trick and if I just pinch myself i will wake up from dozing off, and I’ll be laying in the grass again, no worries, no fears.

Time became gradually faster as I grew up, it was so gradual that one day I woke up and said “how on earth am i going to get all this done!? Where will I find the time?” And i shoot a death glare at time saying “you tricked me!”. Then I realize i’m talking to a mirror.

i’m so ready to settle down, so I can enjoy my family while there’s still time left.

Journal 8 – Good girl

He says good and good girl on occasion. I have been slacking this week, He hasn’t said a word. He’s let me sleep in and not said a word when there were a few dishes in the sink or toys strewn around. 

i’ve been given alotted amount of things to do daily, squats, packing boxes.. Not really mentionable until the punishment is twenty lashings for each squat undone, then one tends to remember ha. 

I have been having a very very hard time with one request my Master has made of me. To be on top and fuck Him, not top Him, but my switch brain has been frighting this, i feel as though i must dominate Him if i’m ontop fucking Him and the mood just dies. 

Last night we had a conversation before scene and I explained this to Him,  and that I needed to be put in my place before He could do what i suggested, which was Him Dominate me into it. 

He put me in submissive space and then had me do what was asked, still wasn’t working so He decided to show me. 

I was just taught how to do something that i’ve been doing for years, but it was exactly what i needed.

Back to the beginning, He said to me at the end of that night. “You have been such a good girl!” And He pet my head as I nuzzled it into His hand further.

The way He said it was different than usual. Since we started this journey it’s been only to teach me, nothing more, He never really said it with belief, with feeling. Last night He believed it, it wasn’t just to teach me the yays and nays of this new relationship. It was because I was a good girl. 

That feeling was unexplainable.

When i just want a break from 24/7

i woke up today, made my Master coffee after letting Him sleep in. After He left for work, I looked around this tiny, yucky, dark,  “evil lair” (my preference to the traditional “home”) my son quietly playing with his new Legos and i realized i just don’t want to.

i turned on god module, opened the windows and poured myself a cup of coffee, snacked on Reeses. i have been sitting here for an hour now. Doing nothing. Surfing the internet between helping and hanging out with our son.

i looked around the house before starting this post. There are three loads of laundry to be dewrinkled and put away, the dishes need to be washed, bed cleaned and made, floors need to be cleaned.. I need to wash my hair and wax, I need to start packing. i just don’t want to do it. Any of it. 

i don’t want to be punished for not doing it. i’m just so tired. I need a break. i need a nap. I need to go to bed early tonight. The coffee isn’t helping. My son, bless his little heart is being so calm and unneedy.

How can i do this? How can i get the energy? i feel so selfish right now.

Journal 8 – Do you remember?

We used to laugh more, we used to playfully roll around in the covers on our days off together. We would spend the entire day naked; touching, kissing, loving one another with our eyes. We would make love and take breaks all day, cook dinner together, throw on sweats and run to walmart for ice cream together. We would talk, watch movies and cuddle. 

Do you remember?

It’s difficult to do this with children. Even though you finally have Sundays off again… i can’t walk around naked because our 19month old is far too curious of my multiple piercings, you can’t because he’s far too interested in your cock, and it’s just… Awkward now.

i’ve been craving this for a very long time now. And it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards right now. i miss you. We sleep in the same bed every night. We stay up late every night to spend time with one another… But i miss you.

i miss you as you lay sleeping next to me, as you sit in your chair above me, i miss you as you stroke my hair and tell me good girl. 

i miss you because i know we cannot be like we were before. i miss you because we have both changed so much. i miss you because i know this change is forever, with minor future escapes i can only hope for and dream of.

i love you. As my Master, as my Husband, as my Friend, as my Lover, as my equal, as the Father of our son. You are part of my soul, it wouldn’t breath without you, i know because i suffocated without you.

Random semi unrelated in organized thoughts for the day.

So, we got a house. i fell in love with it immediately. Finally got the call today that we got the house, we will be moving in next Friday! 

And on a slightly kink related note. i brought up a kink to my Master, i’d never really told Him about it and it didn’t go over so well. 

Now i’m slightly depressed and trying to figure out how to get Him to understand it because I feel he’s taking it way too literally.

Sorry this post isn’t my most interesting i’m just so stumped over this right now. i thought for sure He would be okay with it after all the openness the past few months.

Journal 7 – If you’re not going to fuck me…

You better mind fuck me!

i’ve been saying this for a week or maybe more now. We’ve been stressed. my Master has a test today. Last night He opted out of class to be home and study, He didn’t end up studying.

We ended up talking instead. About the stress. What we would do if x,y or z were to happen. He admitted the stress was too much for Him mentally and sexually He has been shutting down, we’ve both noticed, i’ve done my best not to make a big deal out of it. 

i’ve realized that i don’t need sex itself to be satisfied at the end of the night, see “more than just a nympho”. But He confessed He knew tonight was out of the cards for His pleasure due to stress. But i still needed something, and it wasn’t Him giving me an orgasm. 

i had an idea.. I looked at Him intently, He cocked His head to the side curiously (He does this when He wants me to tell Him what i’m thinking) i said, “well, if you’re not going to fuck me, maybe you could mind fuck me?” 

He did His “i’m feeling lazy” act and I responded with, “you missed those three or four shots i took while you weren’t looking” (we obviously have rules and protocols on this subject) 

That was when He started to get motivated, “you do know the punishment for that don’t you?” 

“Yes, i do” He back handed whiped my ass with the tips of His fingers “yes i do, Sir”

Two spankings, per cheek, per shot that wasn’t asked for. 

He lectured me, when it’s punishment i always think it’s fun, at first. That’s why it’s punishment, if i want fun spankings i can ask. But the only way I could see getting attention from Him was this route.. Better any attention than none as they say, i crave being connected to my Master.

He has quite a heavy hand with punishments, He could bruise my ass with one spank if He wanted to. 

We both came last night, my expectations were zero, i had no hope we would actually do anything… i think that i was “fine” with Him not cumming and myself not cumming in combination with the punishment was what helped the night go more in the direction i had hoped for.

i’ve been wet constantly, and after last night it’s worse. i feel like i’m in heat ha. It’s not funny because He is so damn stressed right now. 

He will have a long break after tonight, I want to serve His every need. If i could i would take His shifts at work for this short break from school. i want to help Him rest and pamper Him. i just don’t know how. 

You see, i have scoliosis, which even though i’m in treatment for, can terrorize even the simpilist of tasks. The pain and headaches can make any plans difficult to keep. So, even though i plan to spoil Him the next two weeks, i’m fearful i won’t be able to and it’s depressing because i know He needs it. He works His ass off to support me and our son, i just wish I could show Him i appreciate everything.